Abusive behavior does not necessarily has to be physical or literal. Abusive behavior can be mental and well hidden in between the lines towards oneself and can occur daily and occasionally. It can be preformed by a sibling, parent, friend, spouse, boss and practically anyone you can think of. It can also happen to anyone so do not think this can not happen to you.
It happened to me, and still does… but towards my constant work of learning and healing I have managed to minimize it as much as my force allows me to. It is rarely simple, but the path of the healer never is, and yes, it is worth every inch of the way and is doable by all once learned that one can and should be it own healer.
As a defense mechanism our mind can play tricks on us and “sell us stories, semi justifications of many sorts in regards to why the abusive behavior occurres. “I deserve that”, “She was tired and bothered”, “I could do better and be more considered” and so on and on.
First things first, memorize this: There is no justification whatsoever to abusive behavior and lack of respect. People can disagree, differ, have multiple point of views and various cultural behaviors. But non and I repeat NONE of the above gives them, whomever they may be, the right to manipulate your feelings.
There is not one reason nor person in this world to allow making you feel small, insignificant, bad, or unworthy, and as much as I would ask you to be cautious of using the definition abuse, I would also ask you not to ignore no allow it to manifest upon you. The main reason for it is not just to raise your self confidence but also to make you comprehend the impact of being a victim and not putting boundaries to those who try to hurt you, intentionally or not.
It consumes you. Maybe not always in the short run but definitely in the long. It takes every ounce of good land in your mental stability and interrupts you from building yourself a healthy full life. Do not give them “discounts” and justifications for bad behavior and remember, the phrase “First time shame on you, second time shame on me” will apply as abusive behavior gets worsen in time if you do not draw boundaries.
So lets try to recognize abusive behavior:
What you do is never enough
Regardless of what this person makes you feel consciously or unconsciously, you often have this feeling of “I am not doing enough”, “I can do more”, “They can be happier if I make more effort” etc.
You’re in a constant thoughts of what can you do more or what is it that you do not do enough to help them to be more happy, more content, more of what you just don’t do enough.
Relax, breath and understand that what you do it your very best and that you are not in charge of other people’s happiness, but they do. As dear to your heart as they might be…
You do enough. You are enough.
appreciation and Gratitude are MIA
So you decided to help once again. You organize him or her paper work, canceled their parking ticket, called their doctor, bought them a present or went to the grocery store for them. You take time off your busy schedule and handle their affairs, do it with love and devotion, achieve the best results and in the end do not even get a simple “thank you”.
Man, that is annoying right? well, beyond annoying it is just unfair and can account as abusive behavoir if happens occasionally.
Now in regards saying “thank you”. Thank you is the a basic gesture, and usually interpenetrate as appreciation, but one must understand that some abusers (intentional or not) use “thank you” as a tool of manipulation as well. Yes, it is always good to hear thank you but appreciation and gratitude for the effort you made must be rewarded by BEHAVIOR too.
So if you are not shown solid appreciation and gratitude in a mutual behavior I recommend you ask the question: Is it going on too long? Is that abusive?
Do the walk not just the talk, and abusers mostly talk. Remember that!
The Favors never cease to exist
You help, and help and help and help and help in an ongoing cycle of “do me a favor will ya?” on their side. And yes, I do agree that serving and assisting are virtues but to what extent really?
We are not here just to serve at the pleasure of others . Requesting for favors should be proportional and balanced. Yea, help others but no, do not find yourself on a second job for that same others.
You do not work for anyone but yourself and with the time left you get to choose how to spend it, whom to spend it with and most importantly, who deserves your help and where does this limit drawn.
Make sure you don’t spend all your time in that never ending favors cycle. It will eat you alive.
When you’re in need, they are on the run
So once in while you get tangled with something too. You know, life can get complicated – small stuff, big stuff and mainly stuff. You too can be in need for help and it is ok to seek for those in your close circle for it.
Once you do that, the characteristic abusers will most likely be too busy, tired, or occupied with their own affairs to be there for you and honestly? they will simply be “too not into bother themselves” with you.
That is where your inner alarm should come off. No one should be clingy, but if you do much for someone and they keep soaking up the energy out of you and in return gives you nothing, ask yourself if you are indeed in a healthy relationship with that person or simply being used and abused.
Oh and yes, it has volumes to it. There is no black & white and that’s the slippery thing about abusive behavior, it can be anywhere between a bit abusive and a lot. Pay attention more to the signs rather to the capacity in that wide range.
And trust yourself, you know well enough.
You feel inside the imbalance but dismiss yourself for the “greater good”
You feel like a tool grasped in their hands and not much more than that. They might have enormous power or influence on you.
There’s a lot of hidden guilt involved in abusive behavior and relationships. You know it is wrong, you know it is not what you really need but some past experiences and/or incidents keep pulling you back to guilt land and you stay put. Someone somehow made you feel that you “owe” them that much, so it continues.
while inner struggle occurs you still allow them to keep suck life out of you as excuse it to ourself as for “greater good” (One day they will be happy, one day they will be ok).
Well, they won’t and if you keep it that way, you won’t either.
You lookout for them more than they lookout for you
You find yourself phone calling them much more than they call you. You are rarely asked how you been and when you take the courage to point that out to them they ignore or dismiss you in changing subjects or say something like “what are you talking about?” “did you get out of bed on the left side today”? or something of that sort.
Sometimes they will get even that rude that they call you and straight away say “I need this and that will you do it?” without even considering to ask how you how you been or feel today as a curtsy. You feel so see-through, especially on the days you need someone to lookout for you, and that is perfectly ok!
You worry for them and care for their well-being while they care solely for their own and for those they really care about. Let me tell you, if they don’t ask you at least once a week how you been then you are most likely not among those they care about.
maximize you to Minimize you
True story. So they grasp you as a strong persona (otherwise why use your help). You do not need nor entitled support but at the same time you are grasped as differ from them.
They perceive you as somewhat weird, detached and at times perhaps not good enough as you’re not socially fitted with them, and inferior in their eyes maybe.
Of course this is all nonsense and can be cause by mere, green jealousy but it is there, kicking you in your behind all the time. You do not belong to their tribe, a rebel, an outcast. You are reminded of being that
But nonetheless, they keep turning to you to do their biddings while simultaneously feels you are their underdog in order to justify their entitlement of your never ending, not appreciated service.
You are big solely for the purposes of helping them out. After that, you may return to being small.
Narcissists, even if with low Self-esteem
They are narcissists. They might have not being officially diagnosed or poses a narcissist lines of behavior but for the sake of recognizing them when it involves your wellbeing it is most sufficient to say that they are, or own, some “good” solid narcissistic qualities.
What it means is that these people, as charming as they might seem will most likely put themselves always first and always in front of you, above you, before you but rarely behind you.
The support from them will not arrive as they cannot sustain anything but themselves and their own comfort. That does not mean they will be always “bad” to you. On the contrary, the narcissist will achieve his or hers comfort in sophisticated ways, polite, warm and charming if needed. Manipulation is one powerful tool in the hands of the narcissist.
When will the tables turn? when they will not get what they came for and when you will decline their wishes and stand for yourself. Then, they will pull out their nails and show their “I exist only to serve me and you should do too” nature.
It is nothing personal. You have to understand it is their nature. All about them and them alone. You do not count and as such you should stay away.
When You Say No, You Become The Devil In Disguise
Ahhhh… that one is a piece of art. So you’ve finally reached the “enough is enough” and drew the lines to this person.
you object and spoke your voice for once. The amount of shock you have created is unimaginable that you instantly become the devil in disguise. after all, you are not a human being flesh and blood with feelings, desires, fear and wills. You do not get to say no when it doesn’t suits you but need to always say “yes” as you can and should always help so what have changed? not acceptable.
You work hard to provide and in a minute become evil, bad, ungrateful. What a headache.
Truth is, that for the first time in this abusive relationship you mirror that person in front of you, and they can’t bare it. They can’t bare the sight of you when in fact they can not bare the sight of themselves.
Food for soul, and not the devilish soul as they might refer to you by telling then a simple, honest “no”
So now that I have rcognized abusive Behavior…
- well done!
- Stay away.
- Know you are wonderful and good.
- Understand that you too deserve to be cared for.
- Hug and Love yourself, then put a stop to it.
- Remember you have the power to stop this at any given time.
- Surround yourself with people that want to give and take, not just take.
- Breath deep and Relax, epic things happen when we breath.
- Believe in yourself and in the impact of you telling your truth
- They will might change and might not but either way you will gain yourself.
- Learn the difference between alone and lonely.
- Understand that alone is not necessarily a bad thing, on the contrary.
- Remember that the sun is shining on us all, and every day is a new day to start again.
I am here for you… email me xxx
